Each time, it was the same scenario: I woke up with blue lips, I was so cold. I saw the ice at the windowsill, inside, and I could see why I woke up at night. I got up to go and snuggle into the arms of my sister in spoon to warm up a bit. Feeling the cold pierce bone, a little girl of eight years, should never exist.
I always looked my slippers because my mother once wore. I had frozen toes who fought their way into the brothel the night before heading the kitchen table. I tassa cigarette butts, empty coffee cups and I opened the fridge because instinctively, I was hungry. Because I just ate buttered toast the day and I realized what I had eaten my lunch too. Believe that I still had to content myself with the carton of milk from the school. HUNGER ... it's a stomach cramp that take you by surprise and that you saw in half. And when you've experienced it once in your life, you never want to relive it. You're ready to eat anything to add weight in the stomach and soothe your cramps. In my case, it came down to eat with the dog in the bag of 20 books of the closet. I got up early to avoid that person sees me especially my father. It would have cracked the heart to see this. My mother, so caught in his bull of a woman lost in the wilds in a row, she could not see my misery to me. Anyway, a surprise for a child-mother-daughter, is always an ordeal too everyday.
... So you're running you're running in your head. You would invent stories, you talk to the trees because you're convinced they do not understand. You give them hugs. In my child's heart, I could feel their vibrations pierce mine. And I felt good. My friends were summed to many cats and dogs family: beings who had more value in the eyes of the one you hope affection. I wanted to be everywhere except in the house because for whatever reason, my mother could leave me a slap. I liked to leave her alone.
I've spent time picking berries, build tree houses and walk in the woods. I was convinced that if I got lost in the woods, I would not be afraid and even today I still do. I know my bearings, make a fire with wood, gather water trap with dew and the hare. I would sorrel salad and raspberry and I boierais of wintergreen and chamomile sauvage. Je saurais même me faire des pommades pour me guérir de certains maux. La solitude, quand j'y pense, ne me terrifiait pas quand j'étais petite mais c'était le contact avec les autres. Parce que j'étais une enfant naive et maigrelette, je suis devenue la risée de l'école...que dis-je: d'un village.
Avec le temps, j' ai comprise pourquoi je ressentais un vide. J'ai comprise que la solitude imposée est certe vivable mais pas souhaitable. On a tous besoin de chaleur humaine. Dans mon cas, j'ai juste décidée de laisser entrer les personnes acceptant cette bulle en moi, ce côté sauvage. Pas pour éviter la souffrance mais pour grandir dans le partage et l'échange. C'est mieux ainsi.
Quitte à rester toute seule...
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